Reversal of roles

Change is the only thing constant in the world. And I am someone who resists change. I like being in my comfort zone and if I am forced to accept change, I become moody, irritable and angry.

I always thought I knew myself very well. I said to myself that I will always be the same person.

I was the perfect daughter to my parents till I was 16. My grades were perfect. I always obeyed the rules. I was a very patient person who seldom got angry. I never yelled at people. Of all my friends, I was the more mature one, the problem solver, the advice giver.

And then I turned rebellious. I had a few issues which made me cynical and aggressive. I ceased to be logical and became increasingly emotional and possessive. My grades dropped. My parents were worried. But I did not care. My teachers were concerned. I didn’t want to do anything about it.

 I tried my best to be a good sister to my brother and a good friend to my friends. I was hurt very much by people who meant the world to me. I realized for the first time what it felt like when some people whom I trusted so much and cared about, broke their act and proved to me that I was blind. In the end, I somehow got through that phase telling myself I had to make my mother proud.My mother is the boldest woman I know. Though we fight often for the silliest of things she stood through all the problems life threw at her, and she remained strong for me.

I got into a good college. I took a course that I liked. I thought things were going fine. That’s when my best friends moved out of town and got admitted in colleges far away from home. When they were hunting for colleges I was with them the whole time, praying hard for them and wishing that they got into their dream college. But it shattered my world, when one by one they started moving out of town. After tearful goodbyes and promises to meet up as often as possible, we all began our lives as separate individuals for the first time.

That was the first indication of how badly I reacted to change. I hated every minute I spent at college. I missed my friends badly. I knew I would never ever make friends who were in the slightest bit similar to my school friends. I fought with my parents and my entire family. I had a miserable time and to add fuel to the fire, I figured out the truth about someone whom I had defended for a very long time. I was lost. I did not know what to do. I lost my ability to be friendly to people. I could not trust anyone. I spent hours on the phone crying. I lashed out at people.

One such day on the phone, my best friend who was listening to me patiently said, “Don’t you think our roles have changed? You were the more mature one and I was the one crying on the phone. Now, I have become the listener.” It hit me how true that was. While I was complaining about how much people had changed and how hurt I was, I had changed. I was no longer patient, quiet and kind. I was this ready to explode bomb of anger all the time. To my brother, I was no longer the big sister who protected him from bullies; I was the little girl who threw tantrums at home.

I promised myself to be a better person but also someone open to accepting change. I started working hard at college. I busied myself with my projects and classes. I went for auditions and club selections. I was rediscovering my talents at writing and speaking. I started working to change the things that I thought were wrong about the society. I joined NGOs and wrote to newspapers.

I learned to balance between the “old” me and the “new” me. Though I no longer am the patient, ever forgiving person, I stopped yelling at people. I still have trouble trusting, but my mother says that’s ok. She says she believes in me. No matter how horrible my day goes, I have learned to look forward to the night time when I can text my best friends and have some intelligent conversation.

I love my brother more than anybody else in the world and I want the best things in life for him. However when he comes to me asking me to teach him math, I become the most irritable person on earth. I yell at him when he makes mistakes and tear his answers and make him re-do everything. I thought I would never have the patience to teach.

The funny thing is, I work as a volunteer teacher now, and I teach English (Thank God it’s not math!). My students are a bunch of lively adolescents, ranging from extremely naughty ones who have trouble sitting in one place for more than ten minutes to very studious ones who want to top their board exams. These kids teach me, more than what I teach them. They have taught me to be patient. I don’t mind explaining the same thing over and over until they understand what I teach. I now understand how difficult teaching and mentoring is. I regret all the trouble I caused my teachers when I was in a constant rebellion against all “grown ups.”

I am a member of a chapter working on the space sciences. And as I work for the outreach programs and document each event, I learn so much. I feel gifted to be working with such amazing people who know so much that I don’t. We talk about planets, stars and black-holes. It often scares me to ponder on how big the universe is and how small and insignificant we all are compared to it. I realize now, that I am not the center of this universe. Instead of resisting change and rebelling against it, I try to be in harmony with the world.

When I wake up each morning all I ask God is to help me be a better person and to help me make the world a better place. I also ask him to give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Change may be good or bad. Change reverses the roles you play in life. However change is what ignites the spark of revolution. Change is what will bring a better tomorrow.